


To Only Know the Fight

by reylly_obiwan



Category: Rogue One: A Star Wars Story (2016), Star Wars - All Media Types
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-01-24
Updated: 2017-02-03
Packaged: 2018-09-19 14:33:45
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 4,237
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9445685
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/reylly_obiwan/pseuds/reylly_obiwan
Summary: Premise: The development of Cassian’s teenage years, with flashbacks to his childhood. Takes place about 8 BBY, when Cassian is 18 years old. This fictional depiction shows his transition from child to adult, with his teenage self to his promotion of Captain Andor.***I do not own the rights to any of Star Wars or any of these characters, all credit is to Lucasfilms and Star Wars***





	1. Chapter 1

***Cassian’s POV***  
I hop off the ship and quickly go to find General Draven. This is it, I think. It must be. I have completed my mission in entirety, flawlessly, with only the supervision of Captain Rafko. I am ready to be promoted. I am ready to become Captain Andor.  
“General Draven!” I yell, spotting him talking to Mon Mothma by the control panel. He looks up.  
“Captain Rafko and I have returned from our mission!” I exclaim.  
“Lieutenant Andor, welcome back. Was your mission a success?”  
“Yes, sir. May we talk in your office?”  
“Certainly. Excuse me.” he says to Mon Mothma.  
We walk quickly into his office and my nerves start building inside of me. Is this a bad idea? Should I wait for him to approach me about this topic? No, I think. This is something I need to initiate. It’ll show confidence, I think. He motions for me to sit down across from him.  
“What is it you want to discuss, Cassian?”  
“Yes--uh--well sir, I-uhh.” I pause, breathe deeply, and gather every ounce of courage inside of me.  
“Sir, my mission was a success. This was my first mission with Captain Rafko’s supervision and lack of involvement, and I am happy to report that it was a complete success. This is also the 10th mission Captain Rafko and I have been on together. Sir, respectfully, I feel ready to become a Captain and fly independently.” The seconds before he speaks are the most agonizingly slow I have ever experienced. We seem to sit in silence for an eternity before he finally opens his mouth.  
“Cassian, look, I know you feel like you’re ready for this big next step.” He hesitates and gives me a long, meaningful stare before continuing.  
“Cassian, you’re only 18. You know the average age of our youngest captains is higher than that. Can’t you see that you’re too young right now? You’re still a boy, Cassian, you still need time to mature.”  
“I know that I’m technically younger, but you know I’ve been ready for this for years. I’ve been flying ships since I was 9. I know my way around every ship in this fleet and every system in this galaxy. I have been a part of this alliance since I was 6 years old! That was 12 years ago! I bleed rebel blood as much as you. I swear, I am ready.” I stare at him desperately, hoping he’ll judge my logic to be sound. He rubs his face and sighs, and I am reminded of the times I was in his office as child because I was in some sort of trouble.  
“I’m sorry Cassian, you’re just too young. It wouldn’t look right, do you understand? It would be viewed as favoritism. Everyone in this entire alliance knows you're a child of the rebellion, and they would all think you were getting your promotion because of it.”  
Suddenly, I am no longer desperate for his approval. I am fuming.  
“A child of the rebellion? Is that all you think of me? I may have been left here as an orphan, but I am here because my parents died for this cause! I don’t sit around acting like some spoiled prince! I work just as hard as some, and much harder than others in this alliance!” I am standing up in my chair now, and yelling at my superior. “It’s great to know that you think so little of me. I’ll have you know, I am as dedicated to this cause as any other person here. I do this for my parents, for the galaxy, for the future. I am not some entitled brat.” I start to storm out, but General Draven calls me back.  
“Cassian! For God’s sake, that is not what I was implying. You are one of my best men!” He continues talking but I continue leaving, still angrier than I have been in years.  
“Cassian! Cassian, get back here!”  
I roll my eyes as I leave his office and head straight for my living quarters. I am so tempted to punch a wall, or punch a person, but I’m even more tempted to break down and cry. I collapse on my bed and stare at the ceiling, holding back tears. I numbly rub my hand over my father’s amulet strung around my neck and try to block out the hurt in my heart. Slowly and painfully, I drift off into an uneasy sleep.


	2. Chapter 2

***Cassian’s POV***  
I’m awoken by the sound of a knock at my door.   
“Cassian?” I hear Mon Mothma ask. Great. I look at my watch and see it is well past 10 o’clock. Great again. Yelled at my boss last night, overslept through my training, what else am I going to succeed in today? I jump out of bed and hesitantly open the door.   
“Yes, Senator?” I say sheepishly. She smiles warmly, and I am instantly relieved.   
“Lieutenant Andor, are you aware you didn’t show up for training this morning? You are not one to miss it.”  
“Yes, Senator. I’m very sorry. I just woke up. I usually can’t sleep past 5, I don’t know what happened.”   
“That’s alright Lieutenant, just don’t let it happen again.” Her tone is scolding, but I can still feel the warmth in her voice. I nod and stand silently, waiting for further instruction.   
“That is all, Lieutenant. Oh, before I forget, General Draven would like to see you in his office. When you get a chance.”  
I nod quickly and stand in the doorframe of my room, my anxiety beginning to flow through me again. I sit on my bed and stare at my in-the-works droid, K-2SO. He’ll be done soon, I think. Only a few more circuit connections and he should be totally reprogrammed. My mind races to everything other than what I have to do. It’s 11:00 o’clock before I finally muster up the courage to go to General Draven’s office. Why did I have to be so stupid? Where do I get off yelling at my own boss, all while asking for a promotion? I’ll be lucky if he makes me a janitor, and spares me from a cold death in space. Damnit, Cassian, think next time! Much too quickly, I find myself outside of his office. I stare at the sign: GENERAL DAVITS DRAVEN. It looks more menacing than it ever used to. Oi, here goes.   
*knock knock knock*  
“Come in.” I hear from the other side of the door. Oh god, am I gonna puke?   
I open the door and walk in, practically holding my breath. He looks up from his desk and, upon seeing me, puts his pen and papers down.   
“Close the door.” he mutters. I sense anger, anger, and more anger. Shaking, I softly shut the door behind me.   
“Sir-I…” I begin.  
“No, let me speak.” his tone suddenly softens, and I’m taken aback.  
“Cassian, I am so sorry. Yesterday, I, I didn’t even give you a chance before saying no. And please believe me Cassian, I was not trying to imply that you are any sort of conceited rebel brat. You are one of my best soldiers, plain and simple. It’s a fact. You are an excellent pilot and wise beyond your years in so many ways. I’ve seen you grow from a scared little boy to a brave young man, and I’m sorry I doubted you. I cannot give you a definitive yes on your position promotion, as I need Senate approval, but I will vote and fight for you every step of the way.”  
I am simply stunned. I search for words to say to this man, a man who’s just forgiven for my awful behavior when he had no reason to do so.  
“Sir-I-I really don’t know what to say. My actions yesterday were simply inexcusable. I appreciate your support, but I believe I deserve no position in this alliance after the way I acted.”  
“Nonsense, Cassian. It is okay to lash out sometimes. Try not to bottle up your feelings so much, okay? Come talk to me next time a problem develops, as soon as it develops. I should hope I can be of some guidance to you.”  
“Yes, Captain. Again, my sincerest apologies. Thank you for your immensely generous forgiveness. This will never happen again.” I bow to him and duck out, which seems weird as I’m doing it, but I don’t really know how else to show how grateful I am. I walk away from his office very confused and full of guilt. Why should I deserve this promotion if I can’t even keep my cool during a conversation?

***Flashback: Cassian is 6 years old***  
I see my mom get carried away by two things in big black suits. “Momma!” I go to yell, but my father’s hand covers my mouth.   
“Quiet, son, or they will catch us!” he whispers fiercely. I don’t understand why these creatures are taking my mother away from me and my father. My father drags me back inside and tries to calm me down.  
“Listen to me son. There are bad men coming after me because of the things your mother and I have done. My boy, I promise you we did these things to protect innocent people, like you, okay? No matter what happens, know that we did what we did to make a better future for you.”  
I nod and stare in awe at my father. He reminds me of a superhero who is hiding his identity. Just then, I hear a very loud noise above our house. My father’s eyes glaze over and he stiffens.   
“Cassian, now is the time to run. You and me, son, we’re gonna go somewhere far away from here, and we are never coming back.”  
“Why, papa?! I don’t want to leave our house!”  
“I know son, I know. It’s going to be okay. I will explain everything to you when we get there, okay? Now let’s go. Grab your bag and meet me in the shed.”  
I nod violently and run into my bedroom. My bag is sitting on my bed waiting for me. I move as fast as my feet will carry me into my Papa’s ship. He pats my head and and straps me into the copilot seat.   
“Ready, son?” he asks. I nod.  
“Jumping to hyperspace in 5,4,3,2…”  
***


	3. Chapter 3

I wake up to a pesky beeping sound coming from my droid.

I look at the clock and see I have an hour until training. Oi, guess I should work on the droid. I precisely rewire the more Imperial parts of his hard drive for some time and implant a new software I created into his memory ram. This is gonna be one kickass droid.

I clean up my tools and head to training, thankfully on time today. I see my good friend Tivik and wave as I approach him.

“Hey, how’s it going Tiv?” I ask.

“Heeeey, Cassian! You’re back! Where were you yesterday? Weren’t you back from your mission?”

“Yeah. It’s a long story. I’ll tell you at lunch, ok?”

“Ok, sure. See ya then.”

“See you.”

I walk toward my ship and training captain. 

“Captain Rafko.” I say, nodding.

“Andor. Nice to see you decided to show up today.”

I am used to Rafko’s attitude and I simply nod in agreement.

“Well, Andor, as I’m sure you know, I have nothing else to teach you when it comes to flying. I thought today we might do an emergency simulator.”

“Yes, sir. Sounds like a plan.”

“Very well. Service the ship then meet me at the simulator in half an hour.”

Rafko walks away and I begin servicing our beautiful ship. Seeing as I gave it a good fix after our mission there isn’t much to do and I’m done in a matter of minutes. I clear the hologram log and clean the air filter to kill more time. When I can find nothing else to do, I head over to the simulator.

“Done so soon, Andor?” Rafko asks. 

“Yes, sir. Everything is taken care of.”   
“I’ll see to that when we’re done here. Alright then. Have you ever been in an emergency simulator before?”

“No sir.”

“Here’s what’s going to happen. You’re going to climb in, and the 360 degree screen is going to transform into a ship panel, and the front window. Then, with this control panel out here, I’m going to control what emergency you’ll face. It will either be an asteroid storm, an enemy invasion, a mechanical crisis, or a emergency landing/crash. You will respond accordingly, as if you’re actually flying. The simulator will respond to whatever you do. Understand?”

“Uh-huh.”

“What was that?”

“Yes, sir. I understand.” I climb into the simulator, which is only about 6 feet wide and 6 feet tall. Cozy. I sit down and suddenly it transforms into my ship. Holy crap. This  _ is _ realistic. The sounds of the ship whirring to life surround me as well as the flashing control panel. I expect to feel nothing as I reach for the buttons but to my surprise, they feel real as well. I start preparing to take off and the ship moves with me. How does this tiny little compartment work this well? 

I’m flying for several minutes before I completely forget that I’m even in the simulator. I slip into my relaxed piloting state and peacefully steer around the galaxy for a while. Suddenly, I feel a huge bump. What the-? * _ Crash* _

Shit! I just lost engine power? What the fuck did that? I see the remnants of an asteroid floating away alongside pieces of my engine. I’ve got a bad feeling about this. 

I attempt to boot the backup engine but to my surprise, it’s completely dead. What now? Think, Cassian, think! Ah! Reset the battery caliber! Just before I can, another asteroid hits the bottom of my ship, and everything goes dark. What. The. Fuck. I hear the power leave my control panel as each button’s light fades away. It’s all about steering now. Steering and brakes. I gotta land. I mentally calculate the closest planet suitable for landing and decide on Yavin 4. I pull up as much as I can as my ship hurtles toward the planet. Pump the brakes, pump the brakes. The ship slows down and breathe a sigh of relief. Okay, keep steering, keep braking. I’m flying smooth now, well, relatively smooth. My ship is silent but glides through the stars towards Yavin. Suddenly, even though it seemed nothing else could go wrong, my brakes fail. Jesus fucking Christ, what now? I have no choice but to steer the best I can and try not to hit anything. As my ship picks up speed, I feel a sudden wave of terror, as if I’m not longer in a simulator.

My mind flashes back in time to myself as a young boy. I’m in a ship with my father, and he’s screaming in panic. I blink and I’m back in the simulator, hurtling towards the planet. I feel like screaming and crying and I turn back and forth between reality and my younger self. I’m clinging to my dad, and he’s hugging me with one arm while steering with the other.  _ I love you, Cassian. Never forget that. I’ll always love you. Always, my boy. _

His voice rings through my head and I shut my eyes, praying this nightmare will end. I pound on the walls of the simulator, begging for release. I see my father’s face in front of me.    
_ PAPA! _ I scream.  _ Are we going to crash? Papa? Papa?!? _

My ship closes in on Yavin 4 and moments before impact, the simulator suddenly shuts off. I finally find the door handle and fling it open with all my might. I fall/roll out of the wretched machine and land on the ground screaming.

“Andor!” I hear faintly, unable to discern who is speaking.

“Andor! It’s over! You’re not in the ship anymore!” It’s Captain Rafko, but I can’t stop screaming and seeing my father’s face distorted by fear. I’m kicking and flailing my arms, trying to hold onto my father, before something pulls me away and I am thrusted into reality again. I stop screaming and sit up. 

What just happened to me? 

“Cassian, come back to me please. Are you okay?” I finally see Rafko and a technician staring at me with worried expressions.

“Wha-a what was that  _ thing _ ? What did it just do to me?”

“What are you talking about, Andor? You did exceedingly well. You overcame every obstacle I implanted and managed to crash land with a high success rate. What the hell is wrong with you? You were screaming for a solid 5 minutes.”

“I don’t know. Can I go, please?” I ask, getting annoyed that I’m still near this thing.

“Yeah...go rest for a while and eat some lunch. We’ll have a debriefing when you get back.”

I stumble to my feet and Rafko reaches out to steady me, looking more concerned than I’ve ever seen him.

“Sure you’re alright there, Andor?”

“Yes, sir. I’m fine. Totally fine. I’ll be back later.”

The traumatic thoughts of the simulator fill my mind as I walk to the mess hall. I try to make sense of what just happened. Is the simulator designed to get in your head like that? Is it  _ supposed _ to trigger something that awful? 

I don’t know the answers, but I vow to never enter that machine again. I numbly get some food and sit down next to Tiv.

“Hey.” I say timidly. Luckily, Tivvy is in his usual talkative mood and carries the conversation while I eat and listen. I only half pay attention to what he’s saying, but it’s a nice distraction. I try to decide how much I’ll ask Rafko about this. What if my reaction wasn’t at all normal? What if this gives the impression I’m weak? Should I still ask?

Decisions, decisions. 


	4. Chapter 4

My thoughts remain on the simulator for most of my lunch with Tivik.

“Cass? CASS? Are you listening?” he asks.

“Yeah, yeah, I’m listening Tiv. You were talking about your roommate.”   
“Right. So anyway…” I go back to half listening for the rest of our meal. When it’s time to go, my anxiety returns over talking to Rafko.    
“I’ll see you later Tiv.”

“See ya Cass!” he waves and walks toward his ship. Why can’t I be like Tivik? He works as a messenger for the rebellion. A tedious but simple and predictable job. Why did I always have to strive to be more? It’s all I can think about as I gloomily walk to Rafko’s designated training area.    
“Sir.” I say, getting his attention.   
“Ah good, Andor, you’re back. Have a seat. Let’s talk about this emergency simulation.” I sit across from him, bracing for this conversation. Despite my fear, I do always feel safe talking to Rafko. He’s a little rough around the edges, sure, but he’s always honest and open with me.

“Alright. So, what I simulated for you originally was an asteroid field. I thought oh, you know, a nice easy start, a good introduction. But no, you flew through it with flying colors. Next I decided to start taking away parts of your ship. I killed the backup engine right after you hit that asteroid, thinking it would be sure to knock you out. But did you? Nope. You steered the ship almost perfectly to the nearest planet. Extremely well done, Andor. I’m impressed.”

“Sir, are you forgetting the part where I crashed?”

“Well obviously you crashed, it’s an emergency simulator. It has to end at some point.”   
“But doesn’t that mean the mission failed?”

“No. It means the mission was a success, given the conditions.”   
“Oh. Okay.” I say hesitantly, not fully understanding. 

He hesitates too, but continues speaking. “Cassian, do you want to tell me what happened at the end of your mission? You were fine the entire time. Then you came out of the simulator in a state I’ve never seen you in. You’re not exactly a “calm” person to begin with, but this was a state of complete and utter mania.”

I try to decide how much I want to reveal. Should I go for it and confess what I felt? Or will it make me seem too unstable to get my desired promotion?

“I just, I don’t know. It felt so real. I mean, I kind of spaced out and got a little lost from reality. I forgot it wasn’t real.”   
“Good, Andor. That’s the idea. The realer it felt, the better equipped you’ll be to handle it if it should ever happen.”

_ Yes. Good answer.  _

“Well, Andor, if that’s all, you may have the rest of the afternoon off. Excellent work today.”   
“Thank you, Captain.” 

An afternoon off?! What is happening today? I guess I have no excuse to not work on my droid now. 

***

I’ve worked on my droid for nearly 4 hours now, and I’m totally in the zone. My droids coming to life! He’s almost completely rewired. It’s almost gonna be time to power him up. I better save it for tomorrow. I’ll invite Tivvy over and do the big reveal with him. Oh, Tivvy. I wish he could be my roommate. Kinda. He probably would be a little difficult to live with. But he’s got this awful roommate who always takes his stuff and lies about it. My room’s barely big enough for me, otherwise I would let him stay here. Oh, Tiv.

***

It’s only 19:30, but I’m tired and bored. I’ve got nothing else to do, nowhere to train, and no work to finish. I decide to ask for permission to go out flying, strictly for training purposes of course. I walk out to the ship deck and look for anyone lenient I can ask. Jesjad Cushlowe? No. Rancal Boxavi? Definitely not. Adatris Steel? Yes!

“Captain Steel?” He’s only a few years older than me, but I have a plentitude of respect for him.

“Hey, Cassian! How’s it going man?”

“Hey man, it’s going, it’s going. How’s the captain life treating you?”

“Man, it’s great. When you getting your promotion? I’m excited to start flying with you!”

“Hopefully soon. Hey, can you authorize changes to the departure schedule?” 

“Yeah, why?”

“I wanted to go out flying for a little while, but I need authorization.”

“Just flying? Nothing sketchy, right?”

“Of course not. I’m just feeling a little antsy.” 

“Oh yeah? Sure thing, Cassian. I’ll go do it right now. Take that-uh-E9 Explorer over there, alright?”

“Sure! Thanks, Adatris!”

“You’re welcome, Cass. I hope you get your promotion soon.”

I smile at him and head over to the E9.

“What a beautiful ship.” I mutter under my breath. I climb on board and get a feel for the control panel. I can’t wait to fly this thing. I prepare for takeoff and get my usual adrenaline rush as the ship dismounts from the landing pad.    
I’m zooming through space now. I can finally relax. This is my happy place. Whether it’s escaping from an Imperial attack or just cruising through space, I’m the most relaxed on a ship. Flying always triggers memories of my father, and tonight I remember one of the first flying lessons he ever gave me. I was probably about 4, and he was arguing with my mother about whether or not I was ready to fly. She was saying no, that I was too young, and he was saying that you can’t be too young to know how to fly a ship. He won. Me and him flew real slow around for a while, and I slowly took on more and more of the controls. I could fully fly by the time I was 6, probably better than most Imperial pilots. I smile at the memories of my father.

It used to be painful to think about him, but over time the wounds have healed and I can enjoy my memories. It’s not as easy with my mother. Every time I think of her I’m overcome with sadness. I tell myself it will take time, though I’ve been telling myself this for over ten years. Oh well. Nothing to do except wait for it to stop hurting. I realize I’ve been flying for close to three hours now, meaning I need three more to get back. I bring up the speed a little and practice my navigation. I’m full of the perfect combination of adrenaline and bliss, and my worries disappear for the entirety of the three hours it takes to get home. I request a landing pad and land smoothly. There’s no one really around except a few droids and some random servicemen. I slip out of the ship and back into my room without anyone important seeing me.

I decide tomorrow is the day I have Tiv over and boot up K-2SO. My hope is he’ll be fine tuned by the time I’m promoted so that he can accompany me on all my missions as a companion. Not that I wouldn’t take Tiv, but Tiv has other important things to do. I fall asleep happy for the first time in days, and I know tonight will be free of nightmares.


End file.
